MENTAL HEALTH 101
Pregnancy and Infant Loss
This page was authored by Andréanne Charbonneau SADP-PBSS
What is pregnancy and infant loss?
Pregnancy and infant loss refer to the heartbreaking experience of losing a baby during pregnancy, childbirth, or in the early days of infancy. It includes, but is not limited to, fertility challenges, miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth, termination for medical reasons, and neonatal death.
The intensity of grief following a pregnancy or infant loss does not differ in intensity from the grief experienced in other types of loss situations. The grief is real, no matter the number of weeks of gestation, the number of losses experienced, and the number of living children.
It is also important to recognize that there is no “normal” response to pregnancy and infant loss. There are no rules, no time frame, no linear path. Grieving is a personal and unique process, which often includes a wide range of emotions and experiences.
Unique challenges
The grief following pregnancy and infant loss must be processed like any other types of grief, yet this grief experience is unique in several ways. Some of the unique challenges include:
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Isolation and stigma: Pregnancy and infant loss continue to be surrounded by silence and stigma. This type of grief is often unacknowledged and minimalized by society. Parents are also expected to “move one” more quickly from the loss. This tends to increase the sense of isolation for the parents, leading them to suffer in silence.
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Loss of the future: A pregnancy loss is often described as a loss of the future rather than of the past. Parents grieve the immediate loss, as well as the end of possibilities and the future that might have been. The lack of tangible shared memories can also make it challenging for parents to find concrete ways to remember and honour their baby.
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Absence of rituals: The absence of a funeral or other rituals of mourning in the context of pregnancy loss may leave families without a structured way to say goodbye.
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Unanswered questions: Pregnancy and infant loss is often sudden and unexpected. For many families, the cause of the loss remains unknown, leaving them with unresolved questions and a sense of uncertainty.
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Sense of failure and shame: Some parents experience feelings of guilt, biological failure, and self-blame. These feelings of responsibility can intensify the overall experience of grief.
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What can I do about it?
Coping with grief following a pregnancy or infant loss can be incredibly challenging. It is important to remember that your grief is as unique as you are. Strategies that worked for others might not work for you. Take the steps that align with your healing journey and remember that what your heart needs will change as you navigate through your grief. Healing is possible with time and support.
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Here are some tips that others have found helpful:
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Acknowledge your emotions: Emotions are meant to be felt, even the heavy ones. Give yourself permission to express what you feel. Unprocessed grief tends to manifest in other ways.
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Seek support: Let your loved ones in. Reach out to family and friends. Join a support group. Talk to a professional. Find the support that is most suitable for you.
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Honour your loss: Find a meaningful way to honour your loss, whether it is by making a memory box, writing a letter to your baby, naming your baby, lighting a candle, planting a tree, or wearing a memorial jewelry.
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Be patient with yourself: It is common to feel pressured into grieving a certain way. Remember, grief is a process that unfolds over time, and it's different for everyone. Give yourself permission to go through it at your own pace.
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Set boundaries: Be mindful of situations, relationships, places, and reminders that may activate intense emotions. Setting healthy boundaries by making choices that align with your healing journey enables you to respect your needs and limits.
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Prepare for milestones: Grief tends to flare up on anniversaries, holidays, and milestones (e.g., due date, Mother’s or Father’s Day, graduations). Reaching out to your support network can assist you in navigating through these waves of grief.
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Acknowledge the many layers of loss: With pregnancy and infant loss often comes many other losses, such as the loss of sense of security, the loss of identity, and the loss of hopes. It is essential to acknowledge the secondary losses that you are encountering to move forward in your healing journey. Ways to do so include talking to a loved one or writing in a journal.
How can I help someone who is grieving?
While it is impossible to erase the pain of a loss, providing comfort and support to individuals who are grieving can help them feel less isolated and alone. When supporting someone, keep in mind that there are no perfect words to say in these heartbreaking situations. Yet, your presence, support, and acknowledgment can significantly impact someone’s healing journey. Below are some tips to help you support someone who is grieving the loss of a pregnancy or an infant:
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Empathy: Being a supportive and caring presence is one of the best things you can do. Let them express their emotions. Be there to listen. Join them in their pain and grief. Let them know they are not alone.
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Acknowledgment: Don’t try to make things better, cheer them up, or heal their pain. You can’t fix the unfixable, but you can recognize and validate their emotions.
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Language: Try to employ the same language used by the bereaved parents. Avoid using “at least” statements, resort to platitudes, tell them how they should grieve, or minimize their grief. If you don’t know what to say, simply admit it: “I really don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you”.
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Time and space: Grief has no time limit. Respect their pace, their boundaries, and the space they need to navigate their grief. They might decline social engagements when grief feels overwhelming. Don’t take it personally. Continue to stay connected.
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Remember the baby: Talk about the baby (if they want to). When possible, use the baby’s name. Remember the baby at holidays, anniversaries, and on Mother’s and Father’s Day.
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Practical help: Receiving help with activities like grocery shopping, preparing meals, shovelling snow, and babysitting is often appreciated. These actions are tangible reminders that they are not alone.
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Sensitivity: Individuals who have recently experienced a loss may feel pain upon hearing about other pregnancies, baby showers, developmental milestones, and birth announcements. Make sure to share such news in a thoughtful way.
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Love: Most importantly, show your love. Remember their baby. Reach out and show up, continually. Let them know that you are thinking about them. Be there and love.
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Resources and Support
Please note that the following list is not intended as an exhaustive list, but rather as a starting point when researching pregnancy and infant loss support resources.
Local resources
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Non-Profit Organizations
These Canadian centres provide free resources, as well as group and individual support services to families who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss.
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Helplines
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PILSC Text/Chat Helpline
1-888-910-1551 -
Talk Suicide Canada
1-833-456-4566 -
Tel-Écoute/Tel-Ainés
1-888-LE DEUIL (1-888-533-3845)
Video
If you are grieving, this message of resilience, permission, and hope from bereaved parents about pregnancy and infant loss is for you.
Encountering the profound impact of pregnancy and infant loss is a deeply devastating experience. It is a grief like no others, and it comes with unique challenges. Yet, this form of loss is often misunderstood by society, giving rise to many misconceptions.
We asked parents who are navigating the challenging journey of pregnancy and infant lost what message they wish they could share with others who are grieving. Here is what they said...